Let’s be honest: Clowns are terrifying. These bozos and jokers walk around doing whatever they want — smashing pies into people’s faces, spraying seltzer down their pants, and occasionally abducting toddlers at birthday parties — and no one does anything about it. Well, that time is over. Now it’s time to take a stand against an even larger (and real) threat: creepy & violent clowns.
Our book, WHEN CLOWNS ATTACK: A SURVIVAL GUIDE (Ten Speed Press, fall 2015), will explain everything you need to know about fighting back against these red-nosed, usually-drunk buffoons. Do you know how to identify a clown’s gang status by scrutinizing their shoe color and facial design? I’ll tell you. Do you know how to fight back against a group of clowns in the open? I’ll tell you. Do you know how to spot a plainclothes clown in hiding at the supermarket? I’ll tell you. Protect yourself and your loved ones before these wacky bozos attack your house.
Among many other things, the book breaks down the following:
- The 7 reasons clowns frighten basically everybody on the planet — such as how they seem impervious to injury, they go straight for your children, and they never use their real names and are thus impossible for law enforcement to trace on the grid. But that’s just the start of it. We now know that clowns are secretly planning a massive global attack in an effort to reign supreme in a “Clowntopia” world where brutal Clown Law is the final say in all matters.
- Why 92% of clowns have mental instability. You’d go crazy too if you have to wear oversized outfits, you were shunned if your act ever dared to improve, and you had to constantly fail every day just to get some yuks.
- How a clown will attack you, and the weapons they use. Understand proper defense tactics against weapons such as flying pies, rubber chickens, and scarf chains that seem to go on forever.
- The types of clowns, and the weaknesses of each. For example, the circus “whiteface” clown is typically physically weak, whereas the street clown is so desperate to make the big time that all you have to do is yell “Hey, there are circus tryouts over there!” and he will gallop away down the block.
- The anatomy of a clown, and how none of it makes any %#@! sense. Their pants are too loose. Their noses are often affixed with potent glue, which drives them crazy after sniffing for too long, and their shoes can easily stomp a man to death.
- How to interpret “clownspeak” — the language of clowns. We have some translated lines. For example, we know the line “If you’re a gilly spying for a clem, a gaggle of zanies I know would be happy to watch you lick the polka dots” actually means If you’re an outsider and want to fight, I will assemble a group of armed clowns to tune you up.
- A history of clown attacks. True story: Clowns took over the entire government of Belize during Fall 1981.
- Where clowns lurk. Avoid places such as amusement parks, railroad tracks, bars, and more.
- And much more. Essentially, they’re just inherently terrifying.