Here are some quick tips on how to fortify and defend your home both before and when they come.
1. Lock your windows. Sure, people know to lock their ground- floor windows, but they aren’t as diligent about locking the ones upstairs as well. Clowns will climb nearby trees using their long strands of scarves and throw a grappling hook onto your roof. They can skillfully walk across this makeshift tightrope, and from there, it’s just a few steps to the open window.
2. Set outdoor traps. If you think the painted ones will come for your children, they no doubt will, so start setting up hidden defensive measures on your property. The best way is to dig a deep hole in the ground—ten feet is a good start. Conceal it with some sticks and leaves. On top of the trap, place a tray of delicious funnel cakes and corndogs—because lord knows a joker cannot possibly resist tasty carnival food. Once he takes the deep-fried bait, he’ll fall into the pit and be trapped until law enforcement arrives.
3. Keep your stairs messy. We already know that fat shoes make it tough for clowns to ascend stairwells. But you should also remember that the more doggie chew toys and children’s wheeled toys you have lying around, the more the intruder can step on and fall, making amusing “OW! OOO! EEE! YOWZA!” sounds the whole way down.
4. Have a circus music CD ready to go. If the back door gets smashed to smithereens and you find yourself in a life-or- death clown fight, one of the best things you can do is start a prearranged playlist that blares up-tempo circus music. The clowns will instinctually go into dance routines and joke sketches. It will take them at least of 120 seconds for them to break out of their trance-dance, giving you valuable escape time.
5. Assemble a “scareclown” in your front yard: Create an improvised scarecrow designed to spook off the jokers. To do this, make the scareclown resemble the person a clown fears most: an asylum worker. After all, a clown’s greatest fear is not death but being locked up in a loony bin forever. If a bozo approaches your front yard and sees a psych hospital worker, he’ll no doubt turn tail and head back home.
6. Use anything silly you can find to battle. A clown is hardwired to believe that whenever the conflict is “clown versus silly object,” the silly object must be taken seriously. So even if you hit a clown with a spatula, he’ll flail backward in an attempt to get a laugh. Have flour, talcum powder, or some other fine dusty matter at hand? Blow it at him. He’ll have to sneeze at least six times. It’s always smarter to fight with a silly household item than use your fists. The only exception is a rubber chicken. Clowns are the masters of Kung Pow Chicken.
7. Live next to cops—or better yet, some mimes. Living close to a police officer does a good job of keeping these wackos at bay, but an even better option is to purchase property in a mime- heavy cul-de-sac. As long-time nemeses of clowns, mimes are dedicated to supporting the anti-bozo movement. This means if your house comes under attack from an armada of red noses, a swarm of ninja-like silent soldiers will come to your aid to kick clown ass.
Excerpted from Red Nose Alert’s anti-clown
humor book, When Clowns Attack: A Survival Guide
(2015, Random House), which makes a great gift
for the clown-fearing friend in your life. The book may just save your life.